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I wanna preface this by saying im here because this is too embarrassing to post on a more identifiable place and the sharty is no use, also im NOT a troon and NEVER will be one or anything close to it and I know for a fact im not gay.
Im a man but I don't really understand how to be one entirely, I grew up without a father figure and I was mentally ill in my tween/teen years and suicidal. I've always been very sensitive cuz of autism and im very physically weak my whole life, I was really insecure about this in high school and I was already depressed so I found myself latching onto media that had "Soft" male characters like deltarune and sanrio stuff and a variety of cute themed furry webcomics because I associated masculine men with ugly and mean things, and saw myself in characters like ralsei or the suicidal cat in this picture
I didn't want to fuck them I want that to be clear, the fantasy was being them and then maybe dating one of the girl characters from the comics/games I was fantasizing about. part of my suicidal tendencies was the fantasy of escaping the real world and then going to a afterlife where I basically become one of those characters,
its so bad it warped my perception of self where my inner monologue and self perception I always imagine a squeaky voiced sort of chibi/fursona version of myself whenever I think or picture myself doing something or during my cry sessions.
Im a adult now and I know this stuff is all bad and unhealthy especially since I have seen how troons are and have shifted into a more conservative mindset but no matter what I do I can't get out of this headspace
im so jealous of normal guys who grow up and do manly stuff and have girlfriends without ever having these weird fantasies because I genuinely don't know what to do, I know I need to be normal but my brain wants me to -ACK and get away from reality, wtf do I do to undo this, I feel like I got fucked up rng and should just -ack to try again at life as a normal guy.
I just wish I could hit a hard reset and start over life away from internet as someone without autism and grow up a normal man and be able to do normal guy things without this lingering feeling im "missing out" and "running out of time" on that weird fantasy my brain cooked up while I was suicidal.
what causes this phenomenon? it's time to get a job
Im not gay, and I didn't make this up as if I did I would've used a less private site
Im just generally speaking a very rare type of person, i haven't met anyone else who is like me in my entire life online or in person, most guys with this issue the problem is they want to be feminine but can't because they know its bad or something when my issue is I both want to go be a normal guy and die as a grandpa and everything but I also have this nagging urge to off myself and get isekai'd as picrel and have a tumblr oc wife and we go on adventures
nigga im not reading allat IDGAF about your latest made up fairy tale, return to talking to yourself instead of me
I'd recommend focusing on the physical aspect in life first as a means to improve your mental state. I find that regularly immersing myself in nature helped with my mental state. As well as going to the gym. I personally find solace in Christ, I often visited an empty field to dwindle on my existence and feelings, which I found kinda helped. It at least grounds your existence to what's actually real and infront of you. It's cliché, but try to surround yourself with positive attitudes and thoughts, “We Suffer More Often in Imagination Than in Reality” is a quote by Seneca. Also if possible find non-judgemental individuals who you can surround yourself with, although its very difficult.
For me its hard cuz autism + ADHD so I am plagued by constant distraction and everytime I try to do more normal stuff like going outside I get this weird mental fog during that pulls me back
>For me its hard cuz autism + ADHD so I am plagued by constant distraction and everytime I try to do more normal stuff like going outside I get this weird mental fog during that pulls me back
I never liked the fagboy thing but I do have a wimpy dad so from an early age I thought of women as more (aesthetically) powerful and serious in a way. It was counterbalanced by interacting with girls at school and realising how retarded they were but reinforced by a lot of jewish media where masculine white men are portrayed as stupid, arrogant, mediocre, incapable, insecure, grotesque, repulsive etc (with rare exceptions like the first Incredibles which I loved). So I also found it hard to find examples of men to aspire to.
Even stuff that's advertised to be appealing to men usually has this really dumbed-down or low-class feel like you're meant to have no thoughts beyond "work", "beer", "muh dick" like obedient goycattle.
If you're gonna be a sperg who lets cartoons affect your self-image I'd say watch Attack on Titan because it teaches the meaning of strvggle or something.
put a pin in it
The issue is that I only ever consumed the most feminine stuff as a kid but now even though I exclusively stick to normal stuff like doom or whatever I still have this problem
no it actually makes a lot of sense unlike talking to yourself about nonsense
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