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I wanna preface this by saying im here because this is too embarrassing to post on a more identifiable place and the sharty is no use, also im NOT a troon and NEVER will be one or anything close to it and I know for a fact im not gay.

Im a man but I don't really understand how to be one entirely, I grew up without a father figure and I was mentally ill in my tween/teen years and suicidal. I've always been very sensitive cuz of autism and im very physically weak my whole life, I was really insecure about this in high school and I was already depressed so I found myself latching onto media that had "Soft" male characters like deltarune and sanrio stuff and a variety of cute themed furry webcomics because I associated masculine men with ugly and mean things, and saw myself in characters like ralsei or the suicidal cat in this picture

I didn't want to fuck them I want that to be clear, the fantasy was being them and then maybe dating one of the girl characters from the comics/games I was fantasizing about. part of my suicidal tendencies was the fantasy of escaping the real world and then going to a afterlife where I basically become one of those characters, 

its so bad it warped my perception of self where my inner monologue and self perception I always imagine a squeaky voiced sort of chibi/fursona version of myself whenever I think or picture myself doing something or during my cry sessions.

Im a adult now and I know this stuff is all bad and unhealthy especially since I have seen how troons are and have shifted into a more conservative mindset but no matter what I do I can't get out of this headspace 

im so jealous of normal guys who grow up and do manly stuff and have girlfriends without ever having these weird fantasies because I genuinely don't know what to do, I know I need to be normal but my brain wants me to -ACK and get away from reality, wtf do I do to undo this, I feel like I got fucked up rng and should just -ack to try again at life as a normal guy.