Ongezellig
IAZ and soft NAZ
ZWABAG
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i was looking on the 'ru and saw these friend books that piss me off so much. here's my spergerald why:
<redditspace Coco: >I am good at: I don't want to brag
Bullshit. Have you ever met a humble 8 year old?
>I don't like: Wasting time
I sincerly doubt that any child would be concerned about something as insignificant to them as time
>Animal: Turritopsis Dohrnii
and
>What I want to be when I grow up: Very old
Are incredibly unsubtle in what it's trying to say. <Coco lost her parents! So she's like, le scared of death! So, she'd like thing that live forever and she'd like, wanna live forever!
Change her animal to something more realistic, as with all of the animals in South Africa, I doubt a child would pick something as ugly as a jellyfish. Change what she wants to be to something like a nurse or a vet, which shows she's always liked helping people (which is realistic!!!)
It's really, really on the nose.
Overall with this one: Very on the nose, and doesn't feel like a child wrote this.
<Redditspace Maya: >My Hobbies: Using the computer
I highly doubt she would've gotten a computer this young with a mother like Soei.
>My Sports: None
Again, I highly doubt that Maya wouldn't play sports with a mother like Soei.
>I'm not that good at: Paying attention
I doubt that any child would have any concept of "paying attention" or even know that they're bad at it. There are far more things that she could be bad at, but NOPE. Gotta go with the on the nose
<She was always bad at paying attention, which was like, le foreshadowing for le ADHD!
>I really don't like: School
This is really boring. There could've been so many interesting things here that she doesn't like that could've revealed more about her character, but Massa just decided to state the obvious.
>Vacation: Home
Bullshit. Just Bullshit. What child have you ever met that didn't like going on vacation? What child hasn't loved going to an amusement park? An Aquarium? A Zoo?
>My biggest wish: Not having to go to school anymore
I'm positive there are other things she wants more, like her cat.
>What I want to be: I dunno
Genuine, unfiltered, unimaginable bullshit. You cannot excuse something as stupid as this. Have you ever met an 8 year old that didn't want to be an Astronaut? A Racecar Driver? An F1 Driver? A Firefighter? Football Player? Superhero? It is so on the nose with
<Le Maya was never le happy!
Which is bullshit and boring. If Maya used to be happy and full of optimism and whimsy, it makes it far more interesting, and tragic, when she becomes bitter and cynical. Loss of innocence is really upsetting, but I can't feel bad for someone who was apparently never innocent (which is stupid)
Overall: This was trying way too hard to build sympathy for Maya, and it all falls apart when you think about it beyond a surface level. It feels like the expository crashout: It feels deep and insightful, but it's unrealistic, unimpactful, and incredibly shallow. I said it once and I'll say it again: Having Maya lose her innocence and whimsy is far more tragic and saddening than her never having them in the first place
<Redditspace
Mymy:
This will probably start some leakage, but I really don't like Mymy. She doesn't belong in a show as grounded as Ongezellig. She feels like she was taken from another show, and feels more like a gag-machine than an actual character. Massa literally said that she left for the Netherlands when she was 6 by sneaking out of Japan, and that she went there because she "Thought it was better." To me, this shows that Massa threw her in last second without much thought, and made her backstory that because he thought it was "funny" instead of actually trying to come up with an interesting explanation as to how she ended up in the Netherlands like Coco did. She should've honestly been cut from the show (or been relegated to a background character) and had Maya and Coco's relationship be center stage. But NOPE! Can't cut that because it's too funny, am I right? No need to worry that a wacky and zaney character will undercut my original intentions!
Anyway with my second sperg out of the way, it pisses me off that this is the only one that makes sense. It feels like someone who understands nothing about the world wrote it (LIKE A CHILD!!! GASP CRAZY!!!!!)
<Redditspace
overall, these friendbooks (and Maya's Sweet 16 in general) are trying way too hard to build sympathy and intrigue, but did in such an on the nose way, it makes the characters feel fake. It doesn't feel like I am reading the friend book of a real child with real thoughts, feelings, and desires. It feels like I'm reading from the script of Amazing Digital Circus with how unsubtle everything is.
<Redditspace
Little rant about Maya's Sweet 16:
This was such a wasted opportunity of a comic. The dream sequence is yet another example of Massa trying to build sympathy without taking the effort to build it naturally. Her dream sequence is practically grabbing you by the neck and screaming in your face YOU MUST FEEL BAD FOR HER! THIS IS SAD! SHE'S CRYING, SEE? DON'T YOU FEEL BAD?! It also jumps into it WAAAAY too quickly, and this is a consequence of the comic being too short.
Her vomiting to avoid celebrating her birthday and going to school also feels like a lazy excuse for Massa to not have to write anything "uncomfortable" that would've actually built sympathy. We could've seen how her self hatred results in her being overwhelmed with shame when show even a shred of gratitude from her sisters. We could've how she freezes up and doesn't know what to do when she's the center of attention. We could see how she's utterly incapable of functioning in a social setting, constantly on the verge of a panic attack if she has to so much as speak to anyone. We could see how she's shaky and anxious throughout the whole day, worried people are judging her for the slightest thing. All these thing stacking on top of each other and building tension, making the reader wonder if she's gonna be able to get through the day without having a meltdown.
But no, instead we just got her throwing up and never getting to see any of that.
What a waste of potential.
<Redditspace
TL;DR Massa is pretty bad at writing
<redditspace Coco: >I am good at: I don't want to brag
Bullshit. Have you ever met a humble 8 year old?
>I don't like: Wasting time
I sincerly doubt that any child would be concerned about something as insignificant to them as time
>Animal: Turritopsis Dohrnii
and
>What I want to be when I grow up: Very old
Are incredibly unsubtle in what it's trying to say. <Coco lost her parents! So she's like, le scared of death! So, she'd like thing that live forever and she'd like, wanna live forever!
Change her animal to something more realistic, as with all of the animals in South Africa, I doubt a child would pick something as ugly as a jellyfish. Change what she wants to be to something like a nurse or a vet, which shows she's always liked helping people (which is realistic!!!)
It's really, really on the nose.
Overall with this one: Very on the nose, and doesn't feel like a child wrote this.
<Redditspace Maya: >My Hobbies: Using the computer
I highly doubt she would've gotten a computer this young with a mother like Soei.
>My Sports: None
Again, I highly doubt that Maya wouldn't play sports with a mother like Soei.
>I'm not that good at: Paying attention
I doubt that any child would have any concept of "paying attention" or even know that they're bad at it. There are far more things that she could be bad at, but NOPE. Gotta go with the on the nose
<She was always bad at paying attention, which was like, le foreshadowing for le ADHD!
>I really don't like: School
This is really boring. There could've been so many interesting things here that she doesn't like that could've revealed more about her character, but Massa just decided to state the obvious.
>Vacation: Home
Bullshit. Just Bullshit. What child have you ever met that didn't like going on vacation? What child hasn't loved going to an amusement park? An Aquarium? A Zoo?
>My biggest wish: Not having to go to school anymore
I'm positive there are other things she wants more, like her cat.
>What I want to be: I dunno
Genuine, unfiltered, unimaginable bullshit. You cannot excuse something as stupid as this. Have you ever met an 8 year old that didn't want to be an Astronaut? A Racecar Driver? An F1 Driver? A Firefighter? Football Player? Superhero? It is so on the nose with
<Le Maya was never le happy!
Which is bullshit and boring. If Maya used to be happy and full of optimism and whimsy, it makes it far more interesting, and tragic, when she becomes bitter and cynical. Loss of innocence is really upsetting, but I can't feel bad for someone who was apparently never innocent (which is stupid)
Overall: This was trying way too hard to build sympathy for Maya, and it all falls apart when you think about it beyond a surface level. It feels like the expository crashout: It feels deep and insightful, but it's unrealistic, unimpactful, and incredibly shallow. I said it once and I'll say it again: Having Maya lose her innocence and whimsy is far more tragic and saddening than her never having them in the first place
<Redditspace
Mymy:
This will probably start some leakage, but I really don't like Mymy. She doesn't belong in a show as grounded as Ongezellig. She feels like she was taken from another show, and feels more like a gag-machine than an actual character. Massa literally said that she left for the Netherlands when she was 6 by sneaking out of Japan, and that she went there because she "Thought it was better." To me, this shows that Massa threw her in last second without much thought, and made her backstory that because he thought it was "funny" instead of actually trying to come up with an interesting explanation as to how she ended up in the Netherlands like Coco did. She should've honestly been cut from the show (or been relegated to a background character) and had Maya and Coco's relationship be center stage. But NOPE! Can't cut that because it's too funny, am I right? No need to worry that a wacky and zaney character will undercut my original intentions!
Anyway with my second sperg out of the way, it pisses me off that this is the only one that makes sense. It feels like someone who understands nothing about the world wrote it (LIKE A CHILD!!! GASP CRAZY!!!!!)
<Redditspace
overall, these friendbooks (and Maya's Sweet 16 in general) are trying way too hard to build sympathy and intrigue, but did in such an on the nose way, it makes the characters feel fake. It doesn't feel like I am reading the friend book of a real child with real thoughts, feelings, and desires. It feels like I'm reading from the script of Amazing Digital Circus with how unsubtle everything is.
<Redditspace
Little rant about Maya's Sweet 16:
This was such a wasted opportunity of a comic. The dream sequence is yet another example of Massa trying to build sympathy without taking the effort to build it naturally. Her dream sequence is practically grabbing you by the neck and screaming in your face YOU MUST FEEL BAD FOR HER! THIS IS SAD! SHE'S CRYING, SEE? DON'T YOU FEEL BAD?! It also jumps into it WAAAAY too quickly, and this is a consequence of the comic being too short.
Her vomiting to avoid celebrating her birthday and going to school also feels like a lazy excuse for Massa to not have to write anything "uncomfortable" that would've actually built sympathy. We could've seen how her self hatred results in her being overwhelmed with shame when show even a shred of gratitude from her sisters. We could've how she freezes up and doesn't know what to do when she's the center of attention. We could see how she's utterly incapable of functioning in a social setting, constantly on the verge of a panic attack if she has to so much as speak to anyone. We could see how she's shaky and anxious throughout the whole day, worried people are judging her for the slightest thing. All these thing stacking on top of each other and building tension, making the reader wonder if she's gonna be able to get through the day without having a meltdown.
But no, instead we just got her throwing up and never getting to see any of that.
What a waste of potential.
<Redditspace
TL;DR Massa is pretty bad at writing
>>128880
I never read darkwolf/writerfail's schizo ramblings but I'm CERTAIN this is better
I never read darkwolf/writerfail's schizo ramblings but I'm CERTAIN this is better
the friendbookjes are clearly the current personalities and interests of the girls projected onto their younger self and with this perspective it is makes more sense.
>>128880
I can relate to maya on some points so that's not too wrong. I'd say it's her innate desire to be introverted. other than that makes sense.
you could've delivered this message more /calm/ly zaryan, lower your cortisol for a longer and healthier life
I can relate to maya on some points so that's not too wrong. I'd say it's her innate desire to be introverted. other than that makes sense.
you could've delivered this message more /calm/ly zaryan, lower your cortisol for a longer and healthier life
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>>128881
Getting mad as children is something
... but anyways yeah. I only read Coco and Maya's, I read the rest tomorrow. And it would be hard writing children when you a nasty degenerate brony who smells like absolute shit
Getting mad as children is something
... but anyways yeah. I only read Coco and Maya's, I read the rest tomorrow. And it would be hard writing children when you a nasty degenerate brony who smells like absolute shit
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>>128885
Misspelling and gramical error are crazy but I'm too lazy it fix them
Misspelling and gramical error are crazy but I'm too lazy it fix them
>Are incredibly unsubtle in what it's trying to say. <Coco lost her parents! So she's like, le scared of death! So, she'd like thing that live forever and she'd like, wanna live forever!
Terribly misreading it, she just wants to be a nice old lady. Wholesome kind hearted child ambitions. Kys massahater you will never make anything. Saged your seethe
Terribly misreading it, she just wants to be a nice old lady. Wholesome kind hearted child ambitions. Kys massahater you will never make anything. Saged your seethe
>>128880
>Bullshit. Have you ever met a humble 8 year old?
yes? even if they're rare, Ongezellig is a cartoon so of course there's going to be exaggeration.
>I sincerly doubt that any child would be concerned about something as insignificant to them as time
have you considered that maybe you were just a stupid kid?
>I doubt a child would pick something as ugly as a jellyfish.
children love weird animals, what are you talking about?
>with a mother like Soei.
elaborate. i don't remember Massa describing Soei as strict.
>I doubt that any child would have any concept of "paying attention" or even know that they're bad at it.
have you considered that maybe you were just a stupid kid? again, even if it's unrealistic, Ongezellig is a cartoon so of course there's going to be exaggeration.
>but Massa just decided to state the obvious.
you get mad at Massa's writing for being unrealistic, but then when he writes something realistic and expected, you call it too obvious.
>What child have you ever met that didn't like going on vacation?
Adam Lanza. some children have separation anxiety, whether it be for their parents or for their home.
>Genuine, unfiltered, unimaginable bullshit. You cannot excuse something as stupid as this. Have you ever met an 8 year old that didn't want to be an Astronaut? A Racecar Driver? An F1 Driver? A Firefighter? Football Player? Superhero?
are you even a human? lots of children are unsure about what they want to be.
>Bullshit. Have you ever met a humble 8 year old?
yes? even if they're rare, Ongezellig is a cartoon so of course there's going to be exaggeration.
>I sincerly doubt that any child would be concerned about something as insignificant to them as time
have you considered that maybe you were just a stupid kid?
>I doubt a child would pick something as ugly as a jellyfish.
children love weird animals, what are you talking about?
>with a mother like Soei.
elaborate. i don't remember Massa describing Soei as strict.
>I doubt that any child would have any concept of "paying attention" or even know that they're bad at it.
have you considered that maybe you were just a stupid kid? again, even if it's unrealistic, Ongezellig is a cartoon so of course there's going to be exaggeration.
>but Massa just decided to state the obvious.
you get mad at Massa's writing for being unrealistic, but then when he writes something realistic and expected, you call it too obvious.
>What child have you ever met that didn't like going on vacation?
Adam Lanza. some children have separation anxiety, whether it be for their parents or for their home.
>Genuine, unfiltered, unimaginable bullshit. You cannot excuse something as stupid as this. Have you ever met an 8 year old that didn't want to be an Astronaut? A Racecar Driver? An F1 Driver? A Firefighter? Football Player? Superhero?
are you even a human? lots of children are unsure about what they want to be.
massa would have been better off relegating the writing of ongezellig to someone possessing an affinity for subtlety and most importantly, eloquence.
it would be unsurprising if he never thought of this, or, thought of it and decided against it. he has a history of having awful judgement and making equally awful decisions that go against what he needs in favor of what he wants:
>i don't like talking to people outside of my inner circle so i'm going to make a discord server (this decision is a nonsensical exception, he has shown himself to hate interacting with the masses, i can only assume he was peer pressured into doing this).
>i need money so i'm going to exclusively use a dutch alternative to patreon and never sell merch (i think everybody can agree that intentionally warding off success for the sake of a supposedly lofty ideal, that is clearly anything but, is ridiculous and self-destructive).
>internationals have taken a liking to my work for the first time, so i'm going to immediately alienate them.
>ongezellig is my most successful work, so i'm going to shun it and pretend that it doesn't exist like an abusive parent.
ongezellig didn't have to be a failure and this proves it.
>>128883
it makes sense but it's still awful. this show doesn't attract third worlders like a flame attracts moths for no reason.
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I remember som
>>128883
that was exactly my point. it didnt feel like a child was writing it, it felt like massa was writing it
that was exactly my point. it didnt feel like a child was writing it, it felt like massa was writing it
>>128889
>yes? even if they're rare, Ongezellig is a cartoon so of course there's going to be exaggeration.
i shouldve added more to this point originally so my bad, but i was trying to say that children dont really care if they brag or not.
>have you maybe considered you were just stupid as a kid
yeah im a stupid kid because i wasnt concerned with time when an hour felt like a day
>children love weird animals!
not really my point but i did word it pretty piss poor. i was trying to say that the only reason this was picked was because Massa wanted to emphasize that Coco was scared of death instead picking something that a child would ACTUALLY pick
>elaborate. i don't remember Massa describing Soei as strict.
he said in a leaked paypig call that she was "a bitch" who ignores Maya and puts a lot of pressure on Coco, but I think that Soei would've put pressure on Maya for a while
>have you considered that maybe you were just a stupid kid? again, even if it's unrealistic, Ongezellig is a cartoon so of course there's going to be exaggeration.
also bad way of putting on my part. i should've just said that it feels like Massa wrote this instead of a child
>you get mad at Massa's writing for being unrealistic, but then when he writes something realistic and expected, you call it too obvious.
also shit way of putting my point (god i should've proofread this). i meant to say it like "massa had an opportunity for exposition but wasted it"
>Adam Lanza
Adam Lanza was a fucking psychopath was mental disorders up the wazoo. Maya has ADHD and ADHD only.
>are you even a human? lots of children are unsure about what they want to be.
that's fair. i should've removed that bit and have it exclusively focus on Massa simply doing it because "le maya was never le happy!" instead of making it more tragic that she wanted to be something but ended up losing that interest
>yes? even if they're rare, Ongezellig is a cartoon so of course there's going to be exaggeration.
i shouldve added more to this point originally so my bad, but i was trying to say that children dont really care if they brag or not.
>have you maybe considered you were just stupid as a kid
yeah im a stupid kid because i wasnt concerned with time when an hour felt like a day
>children love weird animals!
not really my point but i did word it pretty piss poor. i was trying to say that the only reason this was picked was because Massa wanted to emphasize that Coco was scared of death instead picking something that a child would ACTUALLY pick
>elaborate. i don't remember Massa describing Soei as strict.
he said in a leaked paypig call that she was "a bitch" who ignores Maya and puts a lot of pressure on Coco, but I think that Soei would've put pressure on Maya for a while
>have you considered that maybe you were just a stupid kid? again, even if it's unrealistic, Ongezellig is a cartoon so of course there's going to be exaggeration.
also bad way of putting on my part. i should've just said that it feels like Massa wrote this instead of a child
>you get mad at Massa's writing for being unrealistic, but then when he writes something realistic and expected, you call it too obvious.
also shit way of putting my point (god i should've proofread this). i meant to say it like "massa had an opportunity for exposition but wasted it"
>Adam Lanza
Adam Lanza was a fucking psychopath was mental disorders up the wazoo. Maya has ADHD and ADHD only.
>are you even a human? lots of children are unsure about what they want to be.
that's fair. i should've removed that bit and have it exclusively focus on Massa simply doing it because "le maya was never le happy!" instead of making it more tragic that she wanted to be something but ended up losing that interest
>>128903
>Adam Lanza was a fucking psychopath was mental disorders up the wazoo.
he definitely wasn't a psychopath. he had autism, ocd, and sensory integration disorder. he was fairly normal as a kid and i think him and Maya are pretty similar personality wise (Adam even envied his more popular older brother, the same way Maya envies Coco).
>Adam Lanza was a fucking psychopath was mental disorders up the wazoo.
he definitely wasn't a psychopath. he had autism, ocd, and sensory integration disorder. he was fairly normal as a kid and i think him and Maya are pretty similar personality wise (Adam even envied his more popular older brother, the same way Maya envies Coco).
>>128907
i feel like comparing her to adam lanza is pretty extreme considering one killed 26 people and the other just doesnt like people all that much
i feel like comparing her to adam lanza is pretty extreme considering one killed 26 people and the other just doesnt like people all that much
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>>128880
>This will probably start some leakage, but I really don't like Mymy.
you're a fucking writertranny OP go rope you act like a fucking stereotype of a Frenchman
>This will probably start some leakage, but I really don't like Mymy.
you're a fucking writertranny OP go rope you act like a fucking stereotype of a Frenchman
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>>128912
>To me, this shows that Massa threw her in last second without much thought, and made her backstory that because he thought it was "funny" instead of a-ACK
go back to Reddit you pretentious limp-wristed little writercuck go and write rape fantasy fiction for women and don't come back
>To me, this shows that Massa threw her in last second without much thought, and made her backstory that because he thought it was "funny" instead of a-ACK
go back to Reddit you pretentious limp-wristed little writercuck go and write rape fantasy fiction for women and don't come back
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>>>128912 (You)
>>To me, this shows that Massa threw her in last second without much thought, and made her backstory that because he thought it was "funny" instead of a-ACK
>go back to Reddit you pretentious limp-wristed little writercuck go and write rape fantasy fiction for women and don't come back
>>To me, this shows that Massa threw her in last second without much thought, and made her backstory that because he thought it was "funny" instead of a-ACK
>go back to Reddit you pretentious limp-wristed little writercuck go and write rape fantasy fiction for women and don't come back
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>>128914
we're gonna fucking bury you alive you miserable and pretentious little nigger baby
we're gonna fucking bury you alive you miserable and pretentious little nigger baby
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Isn't Mayo and Curry like proto Coco and Maya. With Curry's orange hair becoming Mymy.
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>>128931
yeah idk why massa switched their names like that
you'd think that mayo would be maya and curry would be coco but NOOOOOOO!! THAT MAKES TOO MUCH SENSE!
yeah idk why massa switched their names like that
you'd think that mayo would be maya and curry would be coco but NOOOOOOO!! THAT MAKES TOO MUCH SENSE!
While we're clittyleaking I always thought it was retarded to have two of the three main characters be named "Maya" and "Mymy." It's just confusing at first.
>>128945
Meds, their names are beautiful, gender affirming and not retarded.
Meds, their names are beautiful, gender affirming and not retarded.
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>everyone that hates is Lee
>>128880
Have you thought about rewriting them the way you wanted to? We have the tools including the font we made
Have you thought about rewriting them the way you wanted to? We have the tools including the font we made
>>128945
yeah i think massa realized that when writing mayamail, which is probably why her name is pippi in those to prevent confusion
yeah i think massa realized that when writing mayamail, which is probably why her name is pippi in those to prevent confusion
>>128961
its not gonna change anything, im simply criticizing what already exists
its not gonna change anything, im simply criticizing what already exists
>>128954
my point was that massa is trying to make it seem that way, and that her actually wanting to be something would've made it more tragic as for the thrembillionth time, having someone lose their childish joy and whimsy and turn into bitter and cynical is far more interesting and tragic than someone who was always a cynical bum from the start
my point was that massa is trying to make it seem that way, and that her actually wanting to be something would've made it more tragic as for the thrembillionth time, having someone lose their childish joy and whimsy and turn into bitter and cynical is far more interesting and tragic than someone who was always a cynical bum from the start
>>128993
Maya was always going to struggle with things like decisions and socializing because of ADD, and she lost whatever childish whimsy a kid with ADD has when her parents adopted two new kids who didn’t have disorders preventing them from being outwardly normal and she interpreted this as being replaced because of inadequacy, anxieties that her parents clearly never did anything to assuage. Along with having to give up her cat, the closest thing she had to friendship, because of Coco’s allergies. And she has already gone through these things by the time they fill out these vriendenboekjen, so you’d need go earlier to see Maya before she became a cynical bum, and we don’t really have any content from before the adoptions.
Maya was always going to struggle with things like decisions and socializing because of ADD, and she lost whatever childish whimsy a kid with ADD has when her parents adopted two new kids who didn’t have disorders preventing them from being outwardly normal and she interpreted this as being replaced because of inadequacy, anxieties that her parents clearly never did anything to assuage. Along with having to give up her cat, the closest thing she had to friendship, because of Coco’s allergies. And she has already gone through these things by the time they fill out these vriendenboekjen, so you’d need go earlier to see Maya before she became a cynical bum, and we don’t really have any content from before the adoptions.
>>128993
I don't think that's the case. I think seeing a person's natural inclinations and predisposition be played out is more interesting than another "normal person gets completely changed by event" spiel. I also think you're reading into it, being lackluster doesn't equal to being unhappy.
I don't think that's the case. I think seeing a person's natural inclinations and predisposition be played out is more interesting than another "normal person gets completely changed by event" spiel. I also think you're reading into it, being lackluster doesn't equal to being unhappy.
>>128993
even doe the pasfotos clearly indicate she was happy as a kid and cococucks ruined it for her
even doe the pasfotos clearly indicate she was happy as a kid and cococucks ruined it for her
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>>128999
i think it wouldve been interesting if the three of them used to get along but soei kept comparing maya to them so she resented them and their relationships deteriorated or something
i think it wouldve been interesting if the three of them used to get along but soei kept comparing maya to them so she resented them and their relationships deteriorated or something
>>129010
writergegbvll did this in the second chapter of his fanfic (which also took three months, kek!)
writergegbvll did this in the second chapter of his fanfic (which also took three months, kek!)
>>129043
gegbvll even though you're the only person who cares about him
gegbvll even though you're the only person who cares about him
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>>129055
Do you have like 15 minutes to spare and want to read another maya suicide attempt fic, but this time authored by a chud with personal experience (her eyes would be more bloodshot btw) instead of the usual reddit esl writertroons?
Do you have like 15 minutes to spare and want to read another maya suicide attempt fic, but this time authored by a chud with personal experience (her eyes would be more bloodshot btw) instead of the usual reddit esl writertroons?
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>>129057
>not reading text with zero pictures i am an imageboardcaca and i need my pictures and picture books and lust inducing images to concentraterino!
>not reading text with zero pictures i am an imageboardcaca and i need my pictures and picture books and lust inducing images to concentraterino!
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>I like some of Massa's artworks, but what the fuck does he know about writing?
>>129057
Writergod if you’re here, it’s pretty good, much better than most ao3 slop, I’m just leaking because I’m sick of Maya suicide stories and there are faggots in your comments.
If you want feedback, I have a few actual notes.
Don’t use redundant imagery like describing the smell of wet concrete as damp, ears that painfully ache, or that a spasm is “awful” when you also characterized it much better as “like molten daggers”. At best the weaker words just hold back the stronger ones, at worst they make the whole thing weaker.
Try to avoid repeated phrases unless it’s for a specific effect. You use “just get it over with” well in chapter one to build the tension, but in part two you use “a bit of drool rolled down her chin” twice within a few lines, and end two sentences in a row with “all together” in the hospital.
Be careful about using the (pronoun + sensory/ thought verb) combination, because it usually comes off as filtering. “Coco could see her friends waving to her from under a tree” and “Coco knew that the nurse was probably exhausted” are telling, but “her friends waved to her from under a tree” and “the nurse was probably exhausted” are showing. You didn’t do it much, but it adds separation between the reader and the character, which can be useful at times if you want impersonality, but plays against the writing when we know Coco’s thoughts.
Writergod if you’re here, it’s pretty good, much better than most ao3 slop, I’m just leaking because I’m sick of Maya suicide stories and there are faggots in your comments.
If you want feedback, I have a few actual notes.
Don’t use redundant imagery like describing the smell of wet concrete as damp, ears that painfully ache, or that a spasm is “awful” when you also characterized it much better as “like molten daggers”. At best the weaker words just hold back the stronger ones, at worst they make the whole thing weaker.
Try to avoid repeated phrases unless it’s for a specific effect. You use “just get it over with” well in chapter one to build the tension, but in part two you use “a bit of drool rolled down her chin” twice within a few lines, and end two sentences in a row with “all together” in the hospital.
Be careful about using the (pronoun + sensory/ thought verb) combination, because it usually comes off as filtering. “Coco could see her friends waving to her from under a tree” and “Coco knew that the nurse was probably exhausted” are telling, but “her friends waved to her from under a tree” and “the nurse was probably exhausted” are showing. You didn’t do it much, but it adds separation between the reader and the character, which can be useful at times if you want impersonality, but plays against the writing when we know Coco’s thoughts.
>>129060
when you are going to criticize writerfailcaca, that's how you should do it
when you are going to criticize writerfailcaca, that's how you should do it
>>129060
maya suicide is a mass obsession brought on from the shame of being a brown third worlder
maya suicide is a mass obsession brought on from the shame of being a brown third worlder
I've read a few fics on AO3 and gave some of them a chance. I spent like 7 hours reading A Search for Maya and the twist was so retarded it made me unreasonably angry for some time
>>129064
I skimmed it and this shit is nearly unreadable. If the twist you’re talking about is how Maya “disappeared” by hiding in the attic with Ravi’s help, I would be pissed too if I had actually read it. As if Ravi would let his wife and other daughters think Maya was likely dead for weeks and lead the cops on a wild goose chase, instead of taking her to a therapist or mental facility. And there’s somehow seven more chapters of this coal yet to come.
Best part was writerkek sperging in the comments about how boring it was.
I skimmed it and this shit is nearly unreadable. If the twist you’re talking about is how Maya “disappeared” by hiding in the attic with Ravi’s help, I would be pissed too if I had actually read it. As if Ravi would let his wife and other daughters think Maya was likely dead for weeks and lead the cops on a wild goose chase, instead of taking her to a therapist or mental facility. And there’s somehow seven more chapters of this coal yet to come.
Best part was writerkek sperging in the comments about how boring it was.
>>129066
I don't want to coal my brain up by reading shitty fucking AO3s I already had my fair share with SG
I don't want to coal my brain up by reading shitty fucking AO3s I already had my fair share with SG
>>129055
i thought it was interesting.
i liked how one of the minor characters actually felt like a character, which is pretty surprising
i thought it was interesting.
i liked how one of the minor characters actually felt like a character, which is pretty surprising
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>>129117
no he meant sugar glider
no he meant sugar glider
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>Zaryan No.128880
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>>129049
this got me to browse some other fics on the site and...
this got me to browse some other fics on the site and...
>>129166
Writercacas on their way to write the most raunchy self insert porn known to mankind on some shitty website
Writercacas on their way to write the most raunchy self insert porn known to mankind on some shitty website
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>>129051
>writerfail
<here's my """shitty""" and """substanceless""" text that took me sixteen thrembillion years to write. tell me why it sucks (be specific)
>savioeball/autism_denial_disorder
^here's my deep, substanceful, ai generated wall of text that took me 5 prompts to write (very hard). please praise me.
>writerfail
<here's my """shitty""" and """substanceless""" text that took me sixteen thrembillion years to write. tell me why it sucks (be specific)
>savioeball/autism_denial_disorder
^here's my deep, substanceful, ai generated wall of text that took me 5 prompts to write (very hard). please praise me.
>>129174
A girl of whimsy:An Ongezellig Tale.
Shit was so bad when I finish it just had to be deleted
A girl of whimsy:An Ongezellig Tale.
Shit was so bad when I finish it just had to be deleted
>>129175
people probably wouldve liked it considering people think 10 Dutch Days is peak
people probably wouldve liked it considering people think 10 Dutch Days is peak
>>129178
redditpiggies will eat whatever slop that gets shit out
redditpiggies will eat whatever slop that gets shit out
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>>129177
>peak
IT'S GEM WE SAY GEM HERE, PEAKS ARE FOR AUSTRIAN FAGGOTS WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO AND ONCE THEY REACH THIS "PEAK" THEY SPREAD THEIR ASS AND USE IT AS A DILDO, WE INSTEAD SPEND COUNTLESS HOURS MINING WITH GRIT AND EFFORT INTO THE MINES BELOW TO EXTRACT THE MOST HIGH KARATE SPINE TINGLING GEMS, AS ZOOT SAID
>peak
IT'S GEM WE SAY GEM HERE, PEAKS ARE FOR AUSTRIAN FAGGOTS WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO AND ONCE THEY REACH THIS "PEAK" THEY SPREAD THEIR ASS AND USE IT AS A DILDO, WE INSTEAD SPEND COUNTLESS HOURS MINING WITH GRIT AND EFFORT INTO THE MINES BELOW TO EXTRACT THE MOST HIGH KARATE SPINE TINGLING GEMS, AS ZOOT SAID
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>>129166
The worst part is there is so much degeneracy on ao3 that these yuricoal short stories are nothing compared to the pedorapeincest porn niggerhell brimstone posted there. Most fic writer deserve horrible torture.
The worst part is there is so much degeneracy on ao3 that these yuricoal short stories are nothing compared to the pedorapeincest porn niggerhell brimstone posted there. Most fic writer deserve horrible torture.
>>129181
i mean the point of a draft is to make it not shit LATER
i mean the point of a draft is to make it not shit LATER
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