No.128880[View All]
i was looking on the 'ru and saw these friend books that piss me off so much. here's my spergerald why:
<redditspace
Coco:
>I am good at: I don't want to brag
Bullshit. Have you ever met a humble 8 year old?
>I don't like: Wasting time
I sincerly doubt that any child would be concerned about something as insignificant to them as time
>Animal: Turritopsis Dohrnii
and
>What I want to be when I grow up: Very old
Are incredibly unsubtle in what it's trying to say. <Coco lost her parents! So she's like, le scared of death! So, she'd like thing that live forever and she'd like, wanna live forever!
Change her animal to something more realistic, as with all of the animals in South Africa, I doubt a child would pick something as ugly as a jellyfish. Change what she wants to be to something like a nurse or a vet, which shows she's always liked helping people (which is realistic!!!)
It's really, really on the nose.
Overall with this one: Very on the nose, and doesn't feel like a child wrote this.
<Redditspace
Maya:
>My Hobbies: Using the computer
I highly doubt she would've gotten a computer this young with a mother like Soei.
>My Sports: None
Again, I highly doubt that Maya wouldn't play sports with a mother like Soei.
>I'm not that good at: Paying attention
I doubt that any child would have any concept of "paying attention" or even know that they're bad at it. There are far more things that she could be bad at, but NOPE. Gotta go with the on the nose
<She was always bad at paying attention, which was like, le foreshadowing for le ADHD!
>I really don't like: School
This is really boring. There could've been so many interesting things here that she doesn't like that could've revealed more about her character, but Massa just decided to state the obvious.
>Vacation: Home
Bullshit. Just Bullshit. What child have you ever met that didn't like going on vacation? What child hasn't loved going to an amusement park? An Aquarium? A Zoo?
>My biggest wish: Not having to go to school anymore
I'm positive there are other things she wants more, like her cat.
>What I want to be: I dunno
Genuine, unfiltered, unimaginable bullshit. You cannot excuse something as stupid as this. Have you ever met an 8 year old that didn't want to be an Astronaut? A Racecar Driver? An F1 Driver? A Firefighter? Football Player? Superhero? It is so on the nose with
<Le Maya was never le happy!
Which is bullshit and boring. If Maya used to be happy and full of optimism and whimsy, it makes it far more interesting, and tragic, when she becomes bitter and cynical. Loss of innocence is really upsetting, but I can't feel bad for someone who was apparently never innocent (which is stupid)
Overall: This was trying way too hard to build sympathy for Maya, and it all falls apart when you think about it beyond a surface level. It feels like the expository crashout: It feels deep and insightful, but it's unrealistic, unimpactful, and incredibly shallow. I said it once and I'll say it again: Having Maya lose her innocence and whimsy is far more tragic and saddening than her never having them in the first place
<Redditspace
Mymy:
This will probably start some leakage, but I really don't like Mymy. She doesn't belong in a show as grounded as Ongezellig. She feels like she was taken from another show, and feels more like a gag-machine than an actual character. Massa literally said that she left for the Netherlands when she was 6 by sneaking out of Japan, and that she went there because she "Thought it was better." To me, this shows that Massa threw her in last second without much thought, and made her backstory that because he thought it was "funny" instead of actually trying to come up with an interesting explanation as to how she ended up in the Netherlands like Coco did. She should've honestly been cut from the show (or been relegated to a background character) and had Maya and Coco's relationship be center stage. But NOPE! Can't cut that because it's too funny, am I right? No need to worry that a wacky and zaney character will undercut my original intentions!
Anyway with my second sperg out of the way, it pisses me off that this is the only one that makes sense. It feels like someone who understands nothing about the world wrote it (LIKE A CHILD!!! *GASP* CRAZY!!!!!)
<Redditspace
overall, these friendbooks (and Maya's Sweet 16 in general) are trying way too hard to build sympathy and intrigue, but did in such an on the nose way, it makes the characters feel fake. It doesn't feel like I am reading the friend book of a real child with real thoughts, feelings, and desires. It feels like I'm reading from the script of Amazing Digital Circus with how unsubtle everything is.
<Redditspace
Little rant about Maya's Sweet 16:
This was such a wasted opportunity of a comic. The dream sequence is yet another example of Massa trying to build sympathy without taking the effort to build it naturally. Her dream sequence is practically grabbing you by the neck and screaming in your face YOU MUST FEEL BAD FOR HER! THIS IS SAD! SHE'S CRYING, SEE? DON'T YOU FEEL BAD?! It also jumps into it WAAAAY too quickly, and this is a consequence of the comic being too short.
Her vomiting to avoid celebrating her birthday and going to school also feels like a lazy excuse for Massa to not have to write anything "uncomfortable" that would've actually built sympathy. We could've seen how her self hatred results in her being overwhelmed with shame when show even a shred of gratitude from her sisters. We could've how she freezes up and doesn't know what to do when she's the center of attention. We could see how she's utterly incapable of functioning in a social setting, constantly on the verge of a panic attack if she has to so much as speak to anyone. We could see how she's shaky and anxious throughout the whole day, worried people are judging her for the slightest thing. All these thing stacking on top of each other and building tension, making the reader wonder if she's gonna be able to get through the day without having a meltdown.
But no, instead we just got her throwing up and never getting to see any of that.
What a waste of potential.
<Redditspace
TL;DR Massa is pretty bad at writing
94 posts and 35 image replies omitted. Click reply to view. No.129187
>>129166The worst part is there is so much degeneracy on ao3 that these yuricoal short stories are nothing compared to the pedorapeincest porn niggerhell brimstone posted there. Most fic writer deserve horrible torture.
No.129189
>>129187Thought on
>>129175 story?
No.129190
>>129182i meant to put quotations around it
No.129191
>>129181i mean the point of a draft is to make it not shit LATER
No.129192
>>129187trvke
(this is FrankHasselsSon btw)
No.129193
>>129189I thought xhe said xhe deleted it
No.129195
>>129192i checked it and it was writerfail who pointed out so giga to xhim (though he says lel which is like a sin o algo)
No.129196
>>129193No like thoughs on the premise
No.129200
>>129195Geg he then immediately starts apologizing for taking too long to write his fic
No.129208
>>129196I generally don’t think maya relationship fics make too much sense because she has issues that would prevent her from actually forming a romantic relationship, mainly her self hatred would eat away at the relationship’s foundation because she wouldn’t be able to actually believe someone liked her. I think the more interesting fic would be about maya working on her problems to even get to a point a relationship is feasible, or better yet fics should be about the sibling dynamic at the heart of ongezellig. That being said, I’m sure it was much better than any yuricoal, and the author even said xhe thought pressing a relationship was too soon, which isn’t a thought that would ever cross a writertroon’s mind, so that seems like a mark of sanity.
No.129211
>>129210You should keep writing doe, you’ll get better the more you write, and even iron fics would help offset the mountain of coal and brimstone on ao3. I’m (slowly) writing a backstory fic based on an image from here and a line Massa said in the paypig call.
No.129215
>>129173the quality difference is actually insane considering that both are their first fics
No.129218
>>129064im surprised that writerfail didn't sperg about that
(though maybe he's still writing it
GEG)
No.129219
>>129043yeah he did
>For a brief moment, she could almost hear Maya saying ‘I love you!’ In that high-pitched giggle as she tackle-hugged her, with the biggest, toothiest grin on her face.
>Coco’s jaw quivered. Her throat swelled as she choked back tears. Her knuckles turned white as she tightly gripped her locket with both hands.
>God, what she’d do to get it back… No.129222
>>129220some niggermutt on ao3 who wrote an incest fic between maya and mymy, and complaining that normal people are disgusted by that
No.129224
>>129214It’s about 8 year old Maya struggling to adjust to life with her recently adopted sisters, and her relationship with Ravi and Soei.
No.129226
>>129225kek
its actually really funny watching xim leak about being a slow writer and how xhe wishes xhe wasnt such an perfectionist
No.129227
>>129226although "leakage" probably isnt the best way of describing it
No.129229
>>129219>>129224Sounds adorable, I always love a good back story. Also sidenote do you think Coco has a violent temper?
No.129230
>>129227I would just call it sperging
No.129231
>>129229We know Coco has violent outbursts when her birth parents are brought up. But I would say she probably tries to keep her temper under control, and limit negative thoughts and feelings in general, which means they are likely to build up over time and makes it worse whenever they do come out.
No.129256
>>129229Adorable is the only word that sounds adorable, does that make sense?
No.129274
>>129064>>129066the author deleted it, i think they saw this post geg
i remember wondering if Maya was gonna be in the upside down or something, and i remember when the twist happened that she was in the house the whole time, i got so mad at how stupid it was that i had to go outside
No.129280
>>129274Geg another fic lost due to heckin evil zarty criticism.
No.129284
While researching my fiktie (I am the Iets Waars Zaryan) I found out that Kiki, despite having her own voice file by Kayleigh Luyks (Vera), she doesn't even have a fucking surname. But the watermelon negress does. It's even in Vera's dossier
<waar space
Massa is so retarded he can't even give the Frenchie a French-sounding name
No.129285
>>129284I mean none of them have surnames aside from Cleo, so maybe if he didn’t burn himself out then Cleo would’ve been important
No.129286
>>129274No fucking way they deleted it?
<waar spaceHOLY SHIT XE XID GEEEEEEEEEG
>Works (2) instead of (3) No.129287
>>129286He probably had no idea what he was doing and probably hated it anyways, as nobody would delete their work over one comment if they weren’t already on the edge of deleting it
No.129288
>>129284Because we Saar’s were talking about xim (and you look like a competent writer), what are your thoughts on writerfail’s work MISERY?
No.129289
>>129286If anyone wants to ask for the fik, I have it saved as a docx for self-consumption and I have to tell you, it was the worst seven hours of my life because I had to at least do four separate sittings of readings just to slog through it all. The Kiki-Mymy game was cliché expositorial gibberish then for whatever reason she stops the omega Dutch larp (??), Coco destroying the drum kit because she's depressed ofzo
<waar spaceThen again Ravi hiding Maya in the attic while watching his wife and two stepchildren break down while he is being a Roman statue about it all is so fucking funny to me
<waar space No.129290
>>129288Personally I like Free Indirect Discourse. Though I'm not opposed to descriptive writing like what A Search for Maya did, it was just so voluminous and that I was basically inside their skulls and I know what each character was thinking because every emotional state was like stage direction. Spoonfeeding spoons
<waar spaceAs an aside, you can freely criticise my writing here. The FID in this case is leaning toward Rens
No.129291
>>129289my issue with it is just how fucking LONG it was. it could’ve been a funny bad story but it being so long just made it annoying bad
No.129292
>>129290I think you replied to the wrong post
No.129294
>>129292I saw "competent writer" 😳
No.129300
>>129294so what do you think of writerfail
No.129303
>>129300I've read Misery. So far, it's working to evoke a sense of helplessness. I like the idea. The dialogue with the nurse was particularly something I caught on. A sense of realism, a background character who interacts with a protagonist as if they were just two people who are in need of seeing someone and showing that someone respectively
<waar spaceHowever, like that one nophono said, too much telling. I liked the vivid descriptions of Maya's attempt, but the schoolyard was heavily dependent on telling us what Coco was doing, while also not taking advantage of the atmosphere, of a September afternoon in the Netherlands. As Zaryans, we know what the schoolyard looks like, but that context should not be marginal
<waar spaceThat one authorial intrusion of thr FID/interiority saying Coco felt like shit genuinely made me chuckle
<waar spaceOverall, it's working. Clumsily, but it's nothing proofreading can fix. I recommend Writerfail does more compression, especially filtering. Because
>Coco’s phone suddenly buzzed in her bag, “Oh! S-Sorry,” She said as she fumbled with her bag, “Someone’s texting me!”could be worded better. Writerfail needs to trust the reader. This passage in particular, if I may, would be better if it said less but showed more
<Her phone buzzes. "Oh! S-sorry!" Fumbling for her bag. "Someone's calling me!"Compression is key. Same information, but with less volume. This is how I write for example because I love close-third present tense to establish immediacy because I spare adverbs for the moments where they really matter
No.129305
>>129303i wonder if the nurse is gonna be important because if not than im surprised that he'd go out of his way to characterize her (which is a good thing, but surprising)
No.129306
>>129304
Everyone has different styles. Writerfail just needs a bit of a nudge when it comes to more showy writing. I have a very empirical way of writing, which can be seen in what I am about to quote from IW, where I make Vera rant about le stroopwafel:
>“Sorry. I haven’t eaten.”
<Right index finger to the island. “I’ve got snacks. Help yourself.”
>“Lollipops?”
<“I take it you like sweets, Kamerman.”
>“My mom tells me I need to watch my sugar.”
<She goes to the island, grabs a lollipop with the ashtray, and fits one into her mouth, tasting the sweetness, “I have stroopwafels.”
>“I’d love to but not now.”
<“Sounds like the words of a man who would have a more refined palate.” She grabs two from the packet and hands one to him. The other she places on top her coffee.
>“It’s not that, mevrouw.” He takes it, asks for a plate, lays it there. “I just eat anything. I’m craving for a cheeseburger actually.”
<“Cheese.” Pulling her seat back, lollipop exiting her lips. “When most people hear cheese, they think of places. Amerika. Parma and Reggia Emilia. Zwitserland. Gouda.” She spins the lollipop stick. “Syrup waffles are out of the picture for outsiders who hear of Gouda in particular. 1810, 1837, 1840, 1853. Whatever the dates are, Gerard Kamphuisen is the one name constant when you hear of the pastry’s origins.”
^The lollipop makes its way back into her mouth, and so do his eyes, before it comes out again. 4th of July starts.
<“Well, some want to stretch it to 1784. I highly doubt it.”
^He says nothing.
<“This baker from Gouda mixed dough scraps with a syrup of his own making. His recipe was sealed in an unopened envelope by his bakery, though by the Springtime of the Peoples, the recipe was already known. With these peasant uprisings, you’d have people needing to sustain themselves on whatever was at hand, and a syrupwafel borne from scraps had got them a crude nickname because of the people who ate them, armenkoeken—the poor man’s cookie.”
>“Reminds me of ship biscuits.”
<“Precisely. But the wafel, unlike hardtack, managed to make it out of its periphery and became sensational. Whereas the ship biscuit was the sustenance of the naval tradition—it got as far as the trenches we never trudged in, but only just—” Pinching her fingers, “Stroopwafels were truly made for the masses.” Palm wide open.
>“Am I really listening to you talking about the history of a waffle?”
<“Then I’ll stop.”
>His left fist on his lips, his cheeks a slight bright hue. “No, please continue.”
<“The Industrial Revolution happened, that one bakery in Gouda got enough gas to sustain a commercial enterprise, an industrial behemoth of its own kind, and by the Franco-Prussian War was also the first time the wafel made it out of its hometown in meaningful ways. Ninety years after the skirmish, Gouda is now the stroopwafel hub it is today, at that time having seventeen factories dedicated to that pastry alone.”
>“It also happens to make good cheese.”
<The confectionery’s circular shape fits exactly the ashtray. “You already know September 30th.”
>“A day entirely dedicated to stroopwafels, why?” His surveillance on the moist sweetmeat.
<“Twenty-two million packets per annum is truly worth celebrating. But what we Dutchmen can’t resist doing is a sense of reclamation. We do it against the sea, hence the provinces that are entirely polders. And we did it with a pastry whose tradition it was derived from is distinctly continental.”
>“Well, the Belgians do have their waffles.”
<“And the Belgians owe their tradition to the French. The first waffle guild—and do not think of it as something silly, Kamerman—was by the Parisian oubliers in 1270, over half a millennium before Kamphuisen’s first scraps, though one can argue the oublies they made are precursors to waffles than actual waffles. And a comprehensive cookbook Le Ménagier de Paris, dating from 1393, already laid out the backbone of what waffles would become. We tried to be different by using caramel syrup instead of cheese, and putting the wafel over our coffee before the first bite, the heat a part of the process, the waiting itself a ritual.” Cigarette on her right, its turn to making it for her mouth.
^He cannot stop looking as she then devours the entire thing in one sitting.
>“So waffles are continental, but I don’t see the issue here, mevrouw.”
<“The revolutionary aspect of the stroopwafel was that it was a snack made for commoners by a commoner. It has largely achieved that.” She takes a drink. “If it is quintessentially Dutch next to windmills, polders, dikes, tulips, clogs and bicycles, the same can be said for a sack of rice from Soerabaja, or cigarettes from Aruba.” She takes a hit. “And people nowadays only see why things are there but not why they were put there. Not, ‘Why is that there.’ It’s just there, and the objects are unable to not compel them otherwise.”
>“Why do you say that, mevrouw?”
<“People don’t know how to think, but instead they only know how to react to certain stimuli.”
^The kitchen is quiet for a little bit.
>He takes off his glasses. “Well, I think I’m hungry.”
<“Again, help yourself.”
No.129405
>>129173>Chud writes better than redditroonwhat a shock
No.129424
>>129405There should be a victorian study about this