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ZWABAG
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I made a Ongezellig episode concept. Now besides that fact it has a bunch of missing stuff from other episodes I thought up of (there’s like a dozen other episode concepts I have that are just as fleshed out as this) please critique it. I just need help with criticism bc the friends that I usually ask for criticism thinks this is snca and like hecking hate me o algo because.. THEY JUST DO OK!?!?
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>>34036
where's my .mp4 file? I wanted a video
where's my .mp4 file? I wanted a video
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>>34038
I don't wanna
I don't wanna
>>34036
i'm not reading this colossal wall of WORDSWORDSWORDS break it up pls
i'm not reading this colossal wall of WORDSWORDSWORDS break it up pls
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Is this better?
>>34036
Here are some of my thoughts.
<Maya wearing hand me downs.
I find this very hard to believe. The Schoppenboers’ economic situation seems comfortable enough that they would be buying their kids new clothes fairly often. families that needed to do this would also not just give hand me downs to one kid, the clothes pass from oldest/biggest to youngest/smallest. Ravi and Soei aren’t stupid and they understand that kind of thing weighs upon a kid, especially one with an already underdeveloped sense of independence/identity like Maya. Not to mention recoloring and resizing makes this probably more expensive than just buying new cheap clothes. Finally it’s too on the nose to show the idea of “maya feels unloved”, which is more of maya’s response than the reality. I think the jacket works well enough with maya’s feeling of it being “stolen” from her, a feeling we know she has experienced, without the rest of her clothes being hand me downs.
<Anke and Epke becoming more twisted over time
A great concept and has lots of potential. I’m not sold on more and more of their eyes appearing, but it might work if I could see it. I think the opposite may be interesting, if other characters have moments where they don’t have visible eyes as Maya loses her grip for whatever reason.
Here are some of my thoughts.
<Maya wearing hand me downs.
I find this very hard to believe. The Schoppenboers’ economic situation seems comfortable enough that they would be buying their kids new clothes fairly often. families that needed to do this would also not just give hand me downs to one kid, the clothes pass from oldest/biggest to youngest/smallest. Ravi and Soei aren’t stupid and they understand that kind of thing weighs upon a kid, especially one with an already underdeveloped sense of independence/identity like Maya. Not to mention recoloring and resizing makes this probably more expensive than just buying new cheap clothes. Finally it’s too on the nose to show the idea of “maya feels unloved”, which is more of maya’s response than the reality. I think the jacket works well enough with maya’s feeling of it being “stolen” from her, a feeling we know she has experienced, without the rest of her clothes being hand me downs.
<Anke and Epke becoming more twisted over time
A great concept and has lots of potential. I’m not sold on more and more of their eyes appearing, but it might work if I could see it. I think the opposite may be interesting, if other characters have moments where they don’t have visible eyes as Maya loses her grip for whatever reason.
>>34047
cont’d
<hundreds of episodes
Personally I find this to be too many, I think the actual story of Ongezellig could be told well in about 30 episodes over 2 seasons. I think you should figure out the arcs you actually want to tell and see how much that actually takes. Going too far over this will inevitably dilute the story moments and create convoluted ways to keep the sisters from developing emotionally. Already here we have Maya actually having this rare cathartic moment and immediately undoing it. This can work, but not indefinitely and weakens it when it does happen. Maya would be avoiding this kind of emotional outburst whenever she can, but when it happens it would have an effect on her. She should be getting worse quietly, she is avoidant and insecure which makes her depressed which makes her avoidant and insecure.
It’s got potential but you need to figure out where this is actually going and rewrite in a format that actually tells a story. I don’t know if you plan on actually making this into an animatie or novel or just teleplays, but it would be good to read or see in a format telling me a story instead of telling me about a story. Keep it up.
cont’d
<hundreds of episodes
Personally I find this to be too many, I think the actual story of Ongezellig could be told well in about 30 episodes over 2 seasons. I think you should figure out the arcs you actually want to tell and see how much that actually takes. Going too far over this will inevitably dilute the story moments and create convoluted ways to keep the sisters from developing emotionally. Already here we have Maya actually having this rare cathartic moment and immediately undoing it. This can work, but not indefinitely and weakens it when it does happen. Maya would be avoiding this kind of emotional outburst whenever she can, but when it happens it would have an effect on her. She should be getting worse quietly, she is avoidant and insecure which makes her depressed which makes her avoidant and insecure.
It’s got potential but you need to figure out where this is actually going and rewrite in a format that actually tells a story. I don’t know if you plan on actually making this into an animatie or novel or just teleplays, but it would be good to read or see in a format telling me a story instead of telling me about a story. Keep it up.
>>34047
Fair. Though I had a lot of ideas about the hand me down stuff. But I was just honestly trying to add more flavor to Mayas lore she can look back on as examples on why she doesn’t like her sisters. But you are right and it does kind of stick out and not make sense. I will ruminate on whether it’s worth keeping in or ditching that idea. And the eye thing is mostly bc they didn’t have eyes on the pilot itself. So I imagined it would be easier if it would go from that to showing their eyes as they get worse as representations of her intrusive thoughts.
Fair. Though I had a lot of ideas about the hand me down stuff. But I was just honestly trying to add more flavor to Mayas lore she can look back on as examples on why she doesn’t like her sisters. But you are right and it does kind of stick out and not make sense. I will ruminate on whether it’s worth keeping in or ditching that idea. And the eye thing is mostly bc they didn’t have eyes on the pilot itself. So I imagined it would be easier if it would go from that to showing their eyes as they get worse as representations of her intrusive thoughts.
>>34048
For the hundreds of episodes thing yea that is a stretch and just added it to give a example on the frequency the jacket would be shown again. I edited the file to remove that before you said this though as it was a detail that i added that was poking my side. Though I do have a slow burn overarching plot and arcs going on that would need more than 30 episodes. Like Maya becoming somewhat alcoholic, more moments showing how the other sisters are unsolciabke, and a slow build up of Maya getting worse to the point of attempted suicide, only to still get worse after that to the end where she tries is again at the ending I have planned where her sisters prevent her from doing so and also the start of Maya actually excepting that they do love her. This hole thing is just an idea for a series but I would like to animate it in one way. But Ike that’s ever going to happen lol
For the hundreds of episodes thing yea that is a stretch and just added it to give a example on the frequency the jacket would be shown again. I edited the file to remove that before you said this though as it was a detail that i added that was poking my side. Though I do have a slow burn overarching plot and arcs going on that would need more than 30 episodes. Like Maya becoming somewhat alcoholic, more moments showing how the other sisters are unsolciabke, and a slow build up of Maya getting worse to the point of attempted suicide, only to still get worse after that to the end where she tries is again at the ending I have planned where her sisters prevent her from doing so and also the start of Maya actually excepting that they do love her. This hole thing is just an idea for a series but I would like to animate it in one way. But Ike that’s ever going to happen lol
>>34053
no formatting means he put his soul into it and thats all that matters
no formatting means he put his soul into it and thats all that matters
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I’ve updated it. Thoughts?
>>34098
You know it's hard to see anything when the dev somehow removed the embed for txts, and now it's a small string of text in the post, almost as if that embed was useful
You know it's hard to see anything when the dev somehow removed the embed for txts, and now it's a small string of text in the post, almost as if that embed was useful
>>34099
tsmt we should have a big bright glowing red button for the retarded
tsmt we should have a big bright glowing red button for the retarded
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