Markup /zellig/129303

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>>129300
I've read Misery. So far, it's working to evoke a sense of helplessness. I like the idea. The dialogue with the nurse was particularly something I caught on. A sense of realism, a background character who interacts with a protagonist as if they were just two people who are in need of seeing someone and showing that someone respectively
<waar space
However, like that one nophono said, too much telling. I liked the vivid descriptions of Maya's attempt, but the schoolyard was heavily dependent on telling us what Coco was doing, while also not taking advantage of the atmosphere, of a September afternoon in the Netherlands. As Zaryans, we know what the schoolyard looks like, but that context should not be marginal
<waar space
That one authorial intrusion of thr FID/interiority saying Coco felt like shit genuinely made me chuckle
<waar space
Overall, it's working. Clumsily, but it's nothing proofreading can fix. I recommend Writerfail does more compression, especially filtering. Because

>Coco’s phone suddenly buzzed in her bag, “Oh! S-Sorry,” She said as she fumbled with her bag, “Someone’s texting me!”


could be worded better. Writerfail needs to trust the reader. This passage in particular, if I may, would be better if it said less but showed more

<Her phone buzzes. "Oh! S-sorry!" Fumbling for her bag. "Someone's calling me!"

Compression is key. Same information, but with less volume. This is how I write for example because I love close-third present tense to establish immediacy because I spare adverbs for the moments where they really matter