Mayamail

Mayamail was a series of emails sent to the people that replied to Maya's email adress in the "Maya's Sweet 16" comic. Those email were essentially diary entries that Maya wrote on a weekly/monthly basis.

https://pastebin.com/raw/pjKNDq8C

An attempt at a translation

mayamail #1

friday november 23rd

history today was about anne frank, i didn't like it but it gave me the idea to start a diary. writing down "alone and bored" every day gets boring quickly, so perhaps a weekly or monthly diary is better.

today the class came up with the brilliant idea to draw something together. must come up with a way out asap. pippi longstocking immediately refused because of her "faith"... can you be jealous of someone's stupidity?

that's all that happened today... now more than two months since my birthday. coco acts as if she didn't see anything, luckily, because she wouldn't have understood it anyways. can now never use the bulimia method again.

almost december... christmas is all about family so i will survive that, but the 16th falls on a weekend this year so she will probably take advantage of that - better be careful.

i don't know what else to write but this isn't important.

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mayamail #2

friday november 30th

today we continued with anne frank. what i've learnt = anne was a beta, not very attractive and completely cut off from the outside world. i thought, hey, this is relatable and i almost sympathized

but then

"oh and she was hitting on (TN: as in flirting, etc.) the boy she was hiding with"

even anne frank had more experience than me... if they start persecuting eurasians, i might still have a chance

furthermore, i didn't worry about drawing with the others because they didn't even ask me to participate. actually i should be happy about that, but i'm not

to distract myself i started thinking about having sex while hiding and now i feel even worse. and then i noticed that it's already december and now i just want to hibernate

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Mayamail #3

friday december 7th

wednesday was sinterklaas. only pippi longstocking and i did not participate in the class surprises (TN: during Sinterklaas it's tradition for classmates to open and exchange "klassensurprises" between each other). pippi STILL believes in sinterklaas and calls making surprises a sacrilege. when i explain that sinterklaas is a ruse she calls me a heretic and conspiracy theorist and that they said the same thing about the moon landing.

coco asked why i didn't participate in the surprises. i said i wasn't invited but apparently there were no invitations at all and everyone could come... she suggested sharing her surprise with me, but then we would both have 1 drumstick, so i said no.

in the evening we had to stage a "gifting evening" (TN: it refers to pakjesavond, the evening where Sinterklaas brings gifts to young children) to make pippi indulge in her illusions/happy. mom had asked in advance what kind of gifts i wanted, but all the things i really want are too embarrassing to let her buy them. so i asked for more kruidnoten (TN: probably the bag of food she has on her desk) so i can ration for the winter. according to my bmi i'm still underweight so it can't be that unhealthy. pippi now thinks that i have only been given kruidnoten because of my heresy and says that the Cabinet of the Jack of Spades will launch a new crusade to protect the true faith.

glad it's over, but i still don't know anything about the 16th...

i think it's the calm before the storm.

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mayamail #4

sunday december 9th

I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT FOR GOD'S SAKE

i had been anticipating it for days and tonight she came into my room (without knocking of course) (luckily i was just simming this time) [TN: I truly don't know what she was "simulating", maybe she was making her bed creak at night]. i remember roughly what she said:

"so, next sunday is my birthday, and i couldn't choose who to invite to my party, so i just invited the whole class. at our home. i already know that everyone is coming, but not if you are yet, even though you live here naturally, but everyone is participating, so, if you would also participate i would really appreciate it"

this is just blackmail and she knows exactly what she is doing.

I thought out three scenarios in my head:

i go

pros: coco is not angry

cons: standing alone in a corner all the time, fear, humiliation, shame, not knowing what to do and say and bothering everyone with my presence

i don't go

pros: i don't go

cons: coco is veeeeeeeeeery angry and if i stay in my room (where else should i go) i have to hear how much fun everyone is having without that boring girl

i can't go

pros: i don't go and coco is not angry

cons: ???

i have a week to figure out how to stop myself from going. normally i'd use the bulimia method, but since my birthday she will suspect any of the excuse I use as me trying to get out of it.

unless...

i do something so crazy that no one would ever believe i did it on purpose...

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mayamail #5

saturday december 15th

after i am done writing i jump down the stairs

i don't think they will believe now that i did it on purpose. i've thought about everything so that the damage will be minimal and the result will be maximum. what i have to pay particular attention to is that my injuries are not too big to go to the emergency room, but big enough that i don't have to go to the party.

first i make sure i have a good excuse for why i "fell" down the stairs, so i wear shoes with loose laces that i "trip over".

of course, i'm not just going to jump down the stairs and let gravity do the rest! i make a controlled, careful dive so that i absorb the impact as much as possible with my arms. this will protect my head and hopefully give me some convincing scrapes and bruises so they can't suspect me of faking it. i try to thump as hard as possible with each step so that it sounds much more serious than it is. once at the bottom of the stairs i make sure they find me in a painful looking position. i certainly shouldn't complain about a headache, so they don't think i have a concussion and call 112. it is mainly my arms and legs that "hurt", making it difficult for me to move and "unfortunately" having to stay in bed all weekend.

of course, i can't stay home tomorrow because i can't "rest" during a busy party, so i ask mom to take me to grandma and grandpa's so i can "recover" there. once there i can relax all day with my phone, unlimited spring rolls and above all NO PARTY :D :D :D

and if i stick around a little longer, i might not even have to go to school next week and i'll have vacation a week early!! i haven't been able to sleep all week because of the panic attacks so i deserved it imo.

it's now or never... ahah so much adrenaline! but i've been preparing for this all week and literally anything is better than going to that party!

i'll write up tomorrow how it went! if i can live to tell the tale, haha

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mayamail #6

sunday december 16th

this weekend i learnt that fantasizing about doing crazy things is much easier said than done

all week i was coming up with reasons to do it, but once i looked down all the reasons not to do it suddenly came up. i stood there for at least 5 minutes until i suddenly remembered what i should have thought of much earlier

what would coco think if i fell down the stairs?

and then i went back to my room

so tonight i've had to wait until she would finally invite me to join her. i had no energy left to come up with a plan so i just let it happen

last week i wrote this:

1. i go

pros: coco is not angry

cons: standing alone in a corner all the time, fear, humiliation, shame, not knowing what to do and say and bothering everyone with my presence

2. i don't go

pros: i don't go

cons: coco is veeeeeeeeeery angry and if i stay in my room (where else should i go) i have to hear how much fun everyone is having without that boring girl

3. i can't go

pros: i don't go and coco is not angry

cons: ???

deep down i hoped i was brave enough to go for option 1

it sounds very nice without that boring girl

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Mayamail #7

friday december 21st

christmas holidays are the worst holidays. when you finally have some free time, you are forced to celebrate a stupid party with a stupid family and stupid christmas music. new year's is even worse, drunken idiots who start making loud noises because the year changes digits. so instead of forgetting that you have to go to school, you have to spend half of the holiday stressing about even more nonsensical obligations.

pippi got in trouble for attacking santa claus at the mall. she called him an imperialist spy and shot him in the head while shouting "saint nicholas is great". it was with a nerf gun so he wasn't hurt of course but the child on his lap was crying very loudly.

coco was quite distant this week.

furthermore, i found at last a personality test that suits me. the results are quite depressing so it must be reliable. i saved it so that i can later compare whether i've made any progress or not.

Appendix: https://soyzellig.party/zellig/res/39502.html#q39534§

(TN: original link https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/464194222434549771/525751024913350697/persoonlijkheidstest.png)

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Mayamail #8

thursday december 27th

hahaha maya you scrooge, how can you hate christmas? don't you like your fam-

*ding dong*

oh hey it's family

"Hi AlL!!!! oH wOw HoW bIg HaVe YoU gOtTeN!!!!"

"OwO cOCo YoU'rE a ReAl WoMaN nOw! HoW dOeS iT fEeL tO pLaY rUgBy At ThE iNtErNaTiOnAl LeVeL?!? oH aNd DiD yOu MaKe ThAt PaInTiNg ThErE yOuRsElF?!?! aNd YoU'rE aLsOoOoOoOo A mUsIcIaN!!!! wHaT a SuPeRtAlEnT!!! wE aRe AlL sO pRoUd Of YoU!!!"

"WoW MYmY i HeArD tHaT yOu ScOrEd A 10 fOr ThE nEtHeRlAnDs!!!! aNd ThAt YoU hAvE mAdE tHe WiNnInG gOaL fOr ThE kOrFbAlL cUp!!! AnD tHeN yOu StIlL dO sO mUcH vOlUnTeEr WoRk, AlL sCoUtS lOoK uP tO yOu VeRy MuCh! CaN yOu PlAy SoMe AcCoRdIoN fOr Us BeCaUsE yOu ArE aLrEaDy So GoOd aT iT UwU"

.......

"oh hi maya."

but seriously maya how can you hate on christmas hahahaha

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Mayamail #9

hey maya, remember when you thought the christmas holidays would be fun once the the public holidays were over? (TN: she's referring to the named holidays such as Christmas, etc.)

haha silly maya, if you don't come to school, school will come to you.

SO because school was closed and they couldn't use the music room, i was repeatedly treated to free rehearsals of coco's moronic band. i've always wanted to play an instrument but never did because the walls are too thin here. pippi would laugh at me and coco would try to help me all the time and i don't know which one is worse.

all four band members are in my class, but except for coco, i never remember their names. they make eurobeat folks because the guitarist really wanted to do something that no one has done before without thinking about whether it happens to sound good or not. i'm sure coco also realizes how bad the music is but she only joins in because they are her friends and she collects friends like they're stamps. is a friend still worth anything if you have so many? if i continue to avoid her, i can brag at christmas this year that i am the only one in the class who managed not to make friends with coco, which i think is much more impressive than hitting stuff with sticks.

the second worst moment was when i bumped into the bass player while going to the bathroom. i always listen by the walls before i go to see if the coast is clear, but she almost never says anything so i made a wrong guess. i opened my door and BOOM eye contact. greetings are my achilles' heel so i stood there like an idiot waiting for her to say hi first. she didn't and she just walked back into coco's room. rude bitch. she talks at least as little as i do, but somehow has friends and is in a band? do i look like i'm from chernobyl or something?

but the worst part was when they stayed over. i was still awake probably because of the eye contact incident so i had no choice. i would describe the night as being forced to listen to a five hour long live podcast by the most uninteresting presenters on the most unimportant topics. jesus christ friendship is overrated.

man...

if i had a band it'd be so much more fun...

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Mayamail #10

monday january 28th

uhhhh if things continue like this, my weekly book will soon become a yearbook

i should have known that i couldn't keep it up every week. i once tried to learn japanese, within three days i knew all the hiragana and katakana by heart and i was full of motivation. but then kanji came along and i've never had motivation for it ever since. but i have a test in exactly 6 hours and i had to do something to delay studying so here i am again

nothing has happened since the holidays ended. at most when mom said grandpa and grandma are looking for a store assistant and i almost had a heart attack. the fact that i don't have to go outside after school is the only thing that keeps me from cutting or something. and i don't think a cashier girl with the aura of an aborted blobfish is of any use to them

but did she seriously think i was suitable for that job? then she's even less informed than i thought. but i guess your own daughter doesn't really matter anymore if you've bought two substitutes to compensate

not that i have mommy issues or anything, as if i'm waiting for another snooper like coco. as long as they leave me alone i have no reason to cut. anyways i never really understood self-harmers, i tried it once after reading about it but it mostly hurt. maybe i'm just not miserable enough

BUT NOT FOR LONG, because in just over two weeks the third most depressing day of the year will come, right after september 21st and the day school starts again. and yippeeeee it falls on a school day this year. if i start cutting myself everyday from now on, i'll probably have lost enough blood to be able to convincingly skip school haha

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Mayamail #11

february 11

FUCK VALENTINE'S DAY

so every february our school holds a rose campaign (TN: they probably mean "school shop") where students can buy roses for each other that are then distributed on valentine

"hahahahha maya is jealous because she doesn't get roses"

you thought so bitch, i get one every year. not from a boy of course, but as a kind of consolation prize from coco because she gets about 10 roses every year and she probably felt sorry for me so she always buys me 1 too. also for pippi btw because otherwise she would get jealous lol

but the comfort rose is not the reason why valentine's day should be aborted from the calendar

yes, i know very well that this """"holiday"""" is just a fabrication of stores to sell nasty perfumes

bbbbuuut theeennn

wwwwwwhhhyyyy

DO I ALWAYS HOPE FOR MORE THAN 1 ROSE GVD

to avoid the inevitable disappointment i try to remind myself WHY i will never get more than 1 rose

and having to remind yourself for weeks

how boring and ugly you are

is so

terribly

tiring

hopefully everything will be back to normal after thursday

Mayamail #12

valentine's day

beloved week

i got a second rose today

it's torn to pieces in a trash bin somewhere

everything is worse now

i'll explain it to you later

first i have to try something out

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ash wednesday

well then long story short:

so i got that 2nd rose, i was completely full of adrenaline and all, but then it turned out that coco had bought 1 rose for the entire class because she didn't want to leave anyone out and that 2nd rose also came from her as a kind of double consolation rose. that was a bit of a disappointment sooooo i tore them both apart oops

well it's better to do things like that in your revenge fantasies than in front of the entire class.

so coco would cook for us that evening and i had locked myself in my room. but instead of beating me up or at least starving me she just brought the food upstairs and apologized for ruining MY valentine's day.

then i felt even more guilty and decided that if she doesn't want to punish me, i'll do it myself. so i left her food alone that night and went to sleep quite hungry.

the next day was another school day among people who now hate me even more than before, so i skipped breakfast too and didn't bring lunch. all day i had too much stomachache to realize that i was maya, so that was already a better day than usual. i only ate again at dinner, but actually only because we sit at the table together and it would be too noticeable, but i felt guilty again when i was full so i also had dinner alone all weekend. and since then i don't want to break my streak so i've been doing this for three weeks. i've already lost weight from 44 to 40 kilos, but i always wear baggy clothing so no one will look.

and no, i am NOT anorexic because that's for THOTS who get insecure when they see the billboards. what i do is called FASTING, because that's what people from brabant are supposed to do after carnival to atone for their sins (i just needed a head start). and normally carnival makes me feel like vomiting, but that's not possible if you don't have anything to vomit ;d