mayamail #1 Friday, November 23rd history class today was about Anne Frank, didn't think much of it but it did give me the idea to start a diary too. writing down “alone and bored” every day will get boring fast though, so maybe a weekly journal or monthly journal is better. the class came up with the genius idea today to do a quick Secret Santa drawing with everyone. need to come up with a way out ASAP. pippi longstocking immediately opted out because of her “religion”… is it possible to be jealous of someone’s stupidity? that was all that happened today… it's been more than two months since my birthday now. coco acts like she didn't see anything, which is good because she wouldn't have understood it anyways. can't ever use the bulimia method again now though. almost december... christmas is mostly family so I’ll survive that, but the 16th falls on a weekend this year so she’s definitely going to take advantage of that - watch out. don't know what else to write but this isn't important anyways. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ mayamail #2 Friday, November 30th today we continued with anne frank. what I learned = anne was a beta, not very attractive and completely cut off from the outside world. I thought, hey this is relatable and I almost started to sympathize but then “oh and she banged the boy she was hiding with” even anne frank had more experience than me... if they start persecuting eurasians now I might stand a chance furthermore I worried for nothing about the secret santa drawing because they didn't even ask me to participate. actually I should be happy about that but I’m not to distract myself I started thinking about sex in hiding and now I feel even worse. and then I realized it’s already december and now I just want to hibernate ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mayamail #3 Friday, December 7th Wednesday was gift night. Only Pippi Longstocking and I weren't at the class gift exchange. Pippi STILL believes in Sinterklaas and calls making those surprise gifts sacrilege. When I explained to her that Sinterklaas is just an act, she calls me a heretic and a conspiracy theorist and says they said the same thing about the moon landing. Coco asked why I didn't participate in the gift exchange. I said I wasn't invited, but apparently there were no invitations at all and everyone just signed themselves up... she then offered to share her gift with me, but then that would mean we would each only have 1 drumstick, so I just said no. In the evening, we had to stage the whole “Sinterklaas” gift-giving thing to keep Pippi in her delusion. Mom had asked beforehand what kind of gifts I wanted, but all the things I really want are too embarrassing to have her buy. So I asked for more kruidnoten so I can ration them for the winter. According to my BMI I’m still underweight, so it can’t be that unhealthy. Pippi now thinks I only got kruidnoten because of my heresy and says that the Schoppenboer Cabinet will launch a new crusade to protect the true faith. Glad it’s over, but I still don’t know anything about the 16th... I think it’s the calm before the storm. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mayamail #4 Sunday, December 9th I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT GODDAMITGODDAMIT I had been anticipating it for days and tonight she came (without knocking, of course) into my room (luckily I was just playing The Sims this time). I remember roughly what she said: “So, next week’s Sunday is my birthday, and I couldn't choose who I wanted to invite to my party, so I just invited the whole class. To our house. I already know everyone is coming, well, except for you, even though you live here too obviously, but everyone is joining, so if you could join too, I would really really like that.” This is just blackmail, and she knows exactly what she's doing. I briefly mapped out three scenarios in my head: I go Pros: Coco isn’t mad Cons: Standing alone in a corner the whole time, anxiety, humiliation, shame, not knowing what to do or say and being a burden to everyone with my presence. I don’t go. Pros: I don’t go. Cons: Coco is reaaally mad and if I stay in my room (where else am I supposed to go) I have to listen to how much fun everyone is having without that boring girl. I can’t go Pros: I don’t go and Coco isn’t mad Cons: ??? I have a week to figure out how to make myself unavailable. Normally I would use the bulimia method, but since my birthday, she’ll suspect I’m trying to wiggle out of it with any excuse I give. unless… I do something so deranged that no one would ever believe I did it on purpose… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mayamail #5 Saturday, December 15th as soon as I finish writing this, I’m throwing myself down the stairs I don’t think they’ll believe I did it on purpose this time. I’ve thought everything through so the damage will be minimal and the result maximal. The main thing I need to watch out for is that my injuries aren't bad enough to go to the ER, but bad enough to get out of the party. First, I’m making sure I have a good excuse for why I "fell" down the stairs, so I’m wearing shoes with loose laces that I’ll "trip" over. Of course, I’m not just going to jump down the stairs and let gravity do the rest! I'll make a controlled, careful dive, breaking my fall with my arms as much as possible. This will protect my head and hopefully give me some convincing scrapes and bruises, so they won't suspect I'm faking it. I’ll try to bang against every step as hard as possible so it sounds much more serious than it is. Once at the bottom of the stairs, I'll make sure they find me in a painful-looking position. I definitely shouldn't complain about a headache, so they don't think I have a concussion and call an ambulance. It’s mostly my arms and legs that "hurt," making it hard to move so I "unfortunately" have to stay in bed the whole weekend. Of course, I can't stay home tomorrow because I can’t "rest" during a busy party, so I’ll ask Mom to take me to Grandpa and Grandma’s so I can "recover" there. Once I'm there, I can relax all day with my phone, unlimited spring rolls, and best of all: NO PARTY :D:D:D And if I milk it a little extra longer, maybe I won't even have to go to school next week and I’ll have my vacation a week early!! I haven't been able to sleep all week because of panic attacks, so I’ve earned that, IMO. It’s now or never... ahah so much adrenaline! But I’ve been preparing for this all week and literally anything is better than going to that party! I’ll write down how it went tomorrow! If I live to tell the tale, haha ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ mayamail #6 Sunday, December 16th this weekend I learned that fantasizing about doing deranged things is much easier than actually doing said deranged things all week long I was coming up with reasons to go through with it, but once I looked down, all the reasons not to do it suddenly came flooding back. I stood there for at least 5 minutes until I suddenly realized something I should have thought of much earlier what would coco think if I fell down the stairs? and then I went back to my room so tonight was just waiting until she eventually invited me to join them. I didn't have the energy left to come up with a plan so I just let it happen last week I wrote this: 1. I go pros: coco isn’t mad cons: standing alone in a corner the whole time, anxiety, humiliation, shame, not knowing what to do or say and being a burden to everyone with my presence 2. I don’t go pros: I don’t go cons: coco is reaaally mad and if I stay in my room (where else am I supposed to go) I have to listen to how much fun everyone is having without that boring girl 3. I can’t go pros: I don’t go and coco isn’t mad cons: ??? deep down I hoped I was brave enough to go for option 1 it sounds really fun without that boring girl ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mayamail #7 Friday, December 21st Christmas break is the worst break. You finally have some time off, only to be forced to celebrate a stupid holiday with a stupid family and listen to stupid Christmas music. New Year's is even worse: drunken idiots making loud noises just because the year changes a digit. So instead of pleasantly forgetting about compulsory schooling, you have to spend half the vacation stressing about even more nonsensical obligations. Pippi got into trouble because she attacked a Santa Claus at the mall. She called him an imperialist spy and shot him through the head while shouting “Saint Nicholas is great.” It was with a Nerf gun so he wasn’t hurt, obviously, but the kid on his lap cried really hard. Coco was rather distant this week. Furthermore, I finally found a personality test recently that suits me. The result is pretty depressing, so it’s very reliable. I saved it so I can compare later whether I’ve gone forward or backwards in life. Attachment: https://soyzellig.party/zellig/res/39502.html#q39534§ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mayamail #8 Thursday, December 27th hahaha maya you scrooge, how can you hate on christmas? don't you love fam- ding dong oh hey it's family "HI EvErYoNe!!!! oH wOW yOU'vE aLL gRoWn sO mUcH!!!!" "OwO cOCo yOU'rE aLrEaDy A rEaL wOmAn nOw! hOW dOeS iT fEeL tO pLaY rUgBy oN aN iNtErNaTiOnAl lEvEl?!? oH aNd dId yOU pAiNt tHaT pAiNtInG tHeRe yOuRsElF?!?! aNd yOU'rE sOooo mUsIcAl tOo!!!! wHaT a sUpErTaLeNt!!! wE'rE aLL sO pRoUd oF yOu!!!" "WoW MYmY I hEaRd tHaT yOU hAvE a 10 AvErAGe fOr DuTcH!!!! aNd tHaT yOU sCoReD tHe wInNiNg GoAl fOr tHe KoRfBaLl cUp!!! aNd tHeN yOU dO sO mUcH vOlUnTeEr wOrK, aLL tHe ScOuTs lOoK uP tO yOu sO mUcH! cAn yOU pLaY sOmE aCcOrDiOn fOr uS bEcAuSe yOU'rE aLrEaDy sO gOoD aT tHaT tOo UwU" ....... "oh hi maya." but seriously maya how can you hate on christmas hahahaha ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mayamail #9 hey maya, remember when you thought Christmas break would actually be fun once the holidays were over? haha silly maya, if you don’t come to school, school comes to you. SO because school was closed and they couldn't use the music room, I was treated repeatedly to free rehearsals by Coco’s moronic band. I’ve always wanted to play an instrument too but never did because the walls here are too thin. Pippi would laugh at me and Coco would try to help me the whole time and I don’t know which is worse. all four band members are in my class but except for Coco, I never remember their names. they make eurobeat folk because the guitarist insisted on doing something no one has done yet without stopping to think if it actually sounds good. I know for sure that Coco realizes how bad the music is too, but that she only joins in because they are her friends and she collects friends like they’re stamps. does a friend still have value if you have so many? if I keep avoiding her, I can brag this Christmas that I’m the only one in the class who managed not to become friends with Coco, which IMO is much more impressive than hitting things with sticks. the second worst moment was when I ran into the bassist when I went to the bathroom. I always listen at the walls before I go to see if the coast is clear, but she actually hardly ever speaks so I made a bad guess. I opened my door and BOOM eye contact. greetings are my Achilles’ heel so I stood there staring like a total moron waiting for her to say hi first. she didn’t, and she just walked back into Coco’s room. rude bitch. she talks just as little as I do, but she has friends and is in a band? do I look like I come from Chernobyl or something? but the absolute worst was when they had a sleepover. I was lying awake anyway because of the eye contact incident so I had no choice. I would describe the night as being forced to listen to a five-hour-long live podcast by the most uninteresting hosts covering the most unimportant topics. jesus christ friendship is overrated. man.... if I had a band it would be so much more fun....... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mayamail #10 Monday, January 28th uhhhh if this keeps up, my weekly journal will soon become a yearly journal I really should have known I couldn't keep this up weekly. Once, I tried learning Japanese; within three days I knew all hiragana and katakana by heart and was full of motivation. But then kanji came along and since then I haven't had motivation for anything whatsoever. But I have a test in exactly 6 hours and I had to do something to procrastinate studying so here I am again. Nothing has happened since the break ended anyways. At most when Mom said Grandpa and Grandma are looking for shop help, I almost had a heart attack. The fact that I don't have to go outside besides for school is the only thing keeping me from cutting myself or something. And I don't think a checkout girl with the aura of an aborted blobfish is of any use to them. But did she seriously think I was suitable for that? Then she's even more clueless than I thought. But I guess your own flesh-and-blood daughter doesn't really matter anymore when you've bought two replacements as compensation. Not that I have mommy issues or anything, as if I'm waiting for another busybody like Coco. As long as they leave me alone, I have no reason to cut yet. I've never really understood cutters anyway; I tried it once after reading about it, but mostly it just hurt. Maybe I'm just not miserable enough. BUT NOT FOR LONG, because in a little over two weeks it’s the third most depressing day of the year, right next to September 21st and the day school starts again. And yippee, this year it falls on a school day. If I start cutting daily from now on, I'll probably have lost enough blood by then to convincingly skip school haha ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mayamail #11 February 11th FUCK VALENTINE’S DAY so every February our school holds a rose sale where students can buy roses for each other which are then handed out on Valentine's Day “hahahahha maya is jealous because she doesn’t get any roses” you wish bitch, I get 1 every year. not from a boy of course, but as a sort of consolation prize from Coco because she gets like 10 roses herself every year and probably took pity on me so she always buys me 1 too. and for Pippi as well by the way because otherwise she’d get jealous lol but the consolation rose isn't the reason why Valentine's Day needs to be aborted from the calendar yes, I know very well that this ””””holiday”””” is just a fabrication by stores to sell gross perfumes buuuuut whyyyyy DO I ALWAYS HOPE FOR MORE THAN 1 ROSE GODDAMMIT to avoid the inevitable disappointment, I try to remind myself WHY I will never get more than 1 rose and having to remind yourself for weeks how boring and ugly you are is very very exhausting hopefully everything will go back to normal after Thursday Mayamail #12 Valentine's Day dear weekly journal I got a second rose today it is lying torn to shreds in a trash can somewhere everything is worse now I’ll explain it to you later first I have to try something out ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ash Wednesday alright fine, long story short: so I got that 2nd rose, I was all pumped up with adrenaline and stuff, but then it turned out that Coco had bought 1 rose for the entire class because she didn't want to exclude anyone, so that 2nd rose came from her too as a sort of double consolation rose. that was a bit of a disappointment sooo I tore them both to pieces oops well anyways, you're better off doing those kinds of things in your revenge fantasies than right in front of the whole class. so Coco was supposed to cook for us that evening and I had locked myself in my room. but instead of beating me up or at least starving me, she just brought the food upstairs and apologized for ruining MY Valentine's Day. then I felt even more guilty and decided that if she doesn't want to punish me, I'll do it myself. so I left her food untouched that evening and went to sleep pretty hungry. the next day was another school day surrounded by people who hate me even more now than before, so I skipped breakfast too and didn't bring any lunch. all day I had too much of a stomachache to realize that I am Maya, so that was already a better day than usual. I didn't eat again until dinner, but really only because we sit at the table together and it would be too noticeable otherwise, but I felt guilty again when I was full so I only had dinner all weekend too. and since then I didn't want to break my streak so I've been doing this for three weeks now. I've already dropped from 44 to 40 kilos but I always wear baggy clothes anyways so no one will notice. and no, I do NOT have anorexia because that is for THOTS who get insecure from billboards. what I am doing is called FASTING, because that is what Brabanders are supposed to do after Carnival to atone for their sins (I just needed a head start). and normally Carnival makes me want to vomit, but you can't really do that if you have nothing to vomit ;d